I arrived at surgery around 4.00 they had me fill out some paperwork and removed my left arm for payment. An optometrist took me back and retested my eyes to confirm the previous tests. I took notice that without my glasses I can read the second line. You know how there is a single letter at the top and then they get smaller as you go down? Well without my glasses I could read the second line. Back to the waiting room.
Will sat beside me holding my hand. Then I hear my name and away I go. She had me sit in an big overstuffed chair and confirmed my details. I was given a lovely covering for my shoes and hair although all of my hair didn't actually fit in it. Valium and pain pills downed and I'm told it will be about 30 minutes until they call me. Did I have any questions? Well yes, can we record the surgery for me to watch later? She assures me they can and leaves to set up the camera. I am left with a single magazine and a better understanding of the tragic life of Pippa Middleton as she's dissed by the Queen.
My knees feel funny and loose and I know the valium has kicked in. I'm greeted by a cheerful blonde with a camera announcing, "it's time!" I wasn't aware that I was going to be a feature of this movie I thought it would just be my eyeballs but whatever. I walk back, they put me on a table, settle my head and the machine moves me back toward the laser.
The actually surgery couldn't have taken longer than 5 or 6 minutes. They put a weird circular clamp under my eyelids. A machine is positioned over my eye and a spotted red light is visible. "Look right at the red light" they tell me time and time again. I thought I would see the laser cutting but all I saw was the red light. They put some machine over my eye and mash it down onto my eyeball. Seriously, there was so much pressure I thought my eye might explode. Then the burning smell of poor vision. 30 seconds later they put a tiny squeegee across my eye laying the "flap" back down. Next eye same thing and done. It was a whirlwind. A hand on my shoulder and they tell me I'm done. The bed moves to the front and they tell me to follow someone into the next room. Looking then was like looking through a window smeared with petroleum jelly. I am seated and a young girls goes over the numerous eyedrops I'll have to apply over the next week. Then she puts the eye shields over my eyes, the old lady cataract sunnies and I'm done. Out to the waiting room to a husband who was surprised to see me so soon.
The patches they put over my eyes didn't black out the world they are opaque so I couldn't really see but I could make out objects. We made it down the lift and out onto the street. It turns out the the surgery I had actually turned me into a vampire. I learned this as I stepped on to the footpath and the sun met my eyes. "It burns us!" Holy mother of sunshine how would I make it home?
Will directed me to Jeep and as I stepped up to it I realised that I could see the curb. Like really see it, as a step. We drove home and I slept. I awoke as we pulled onto our street. The swelling had come and I was completely blind. Will got me into the house and in bed. At that point it felt as though I'd had hot pokers pushed through my eyes like the old man on Robin Hood. What would I do if they put my master in a cage hanging from the top beam? I'd never get him down and he'd be pecked to death by evil birds.
There were pain pills in my take home pack so I got those down. Will put on a movie I'd seen 4,000 times so it didn't matter if I could see it. Both dogs lay beside me knowing that something wasn't quite right. 5 minutes later I was asleep.
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