Identity Crisis

If I die in 304 days how will I be remembered?

I have been struggling with an identity crisis.  The last year saw monumental changes in my life.  For 11 years I've worked in the motorcycle industry and consider myself "the Harley chick".  If you want to know anything about a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle I am your girl.  But last year we sold our dealership and I haven't seen the backside of a parts counter in 10 months.  One month after I left the shop I broke my leg playing roller derby.  Roller derby girl, my other identity.  For 3 months I sat on my couch and took on a new temporary identity, broken derby girl.  I joined the forums, read about my injury and planned my return to the sport.

My return came 9 months after injury but, despite my plan for derby domination, it was harder than I thought.  You couldn't have prepared me for how easy it was to skate again, physically.  But, likewise, the mental barrier to engage in the sport is harder than I was prepared for.  For the last month I have been some times going to training, skating on my own and telling myself that it was a process.  Not surprisingly I didn't enjoy it.

Skating around in circles, by yourself, scared, is not roller derby.  It's lonely and boring.  I was ready to quit.  I told myself lies. It's was ok, I put in my time.  It's harder to come back from an injury at 35 than 25.  If you don't have the fighting spirit now you never will.

Pre-practice yesterday I went to my husband for a pep talk.  "I don't want to go to practice. I think I'm done."  He said that didn't sound like "the girl he knows" and while he would support my decision, he didn't want me to walk away because I was afraid.  If I didn't want to, it was one thing, but to cower and run with my tail between my legs wasn't my style.  We had a long talk and I finally cried, "Without the shop and without derby, who am I?"  I think that is what Oprah calls the ah ha moment.  For three years I've been involved in the sport.  My friends, clothes, community and life is wrapped up in derby.  It's who I am. Or is it?

Who am I?  Am I the Harley girl?  Am I Squeaks bye the derby girl?  These characters are so well developed they even have their own costumes.
Black t-shirt, jeans and boots = Harley girl.
Spandex with underpants on the outside, skates = derby girl.
Do these characters represent the diversity of my spirit or am I just playing dress up?  The short answer is, I don't know.  I'm not sure what the criteria is for identifying your true self.  A sort of litmus test of the soul.

I went to practice.  He's right, I don't quit because I'm scared.  I got involved with the group practice.  We lined up, our trainer shouted, "three point transitions!" My heart sank.  That was the simple manoeuvre I was doing when I broke my leg. Three point transitions are my kryptonite.  Telling myself that I could do it I went to the line, I was wrong.  I couldn't do it.  I thought I might burst into tears but I just lined up again. Then we were on to track carving, I can do that, it's awkward and I certainly carve right better than left but I made it through.  Before I knew it I was in a pace line weaving between other skaters.  It was great but as soon as I got to the front of the line I had to stop.  The adrenaline was so intense that my knees were shaking and I could hardly hold myself up.  I sat out the rest of that drill.  When they went into blocking drills I stayed on the side lines and practiced 3 point transitions.  Oh yes I did!  My derby wife, Dislo-Kate, said watching me do it made her stomach turn and she wanted to throw up.  Katie was a great support during my injury. She was the one who rode with me in the ambulance, talked to me everyday and came over often to keep me in the loop.   Knowing that it scared her too made me feel that much more proud for doing it.

So perhaps this is my epiphany.  My identity, at the core, is what allows me to play these characters.  I am brave and autonomous.  I possess the skills to overcome fear and to know when to ask for help.  That is who I am. Who I am allows me to face men who doubt the ability of a girl with a wrench.  I can face a wall of scary bitches on skates and when I fall down I get back up.  I get back up.

I GET BACK UP.