I find that screaming rap lyrics at the top of my voice is the best cure for a case of the nerves. So I was driving down the highway and Eminem is reminding me "this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime, yo" Last night, with medical clearance in hand, was my triumphant return to roller derby. Triumphant because I actually went back.
It was 3 days short of 9 months off. 4 days in hospital, 12 weeks in plaster, 6 weeks in a walking cast, walking stick for a few more. It adds up. Funny thing about laying on a couch with a broken leg, you get a lot of time to think. I have been through all of the emotions. Why me? I deserve this. I'm too old for this shit. I'm too young for this shit. I can't go back. I MUST go back. What if? OMG I must have worn out my thinker. It's weird because all your body needs to heal is time. But the damage to your psyche is more complex. No pills, no surgery, no amount of time is guaranteed to work. Some people may think it is easier to just not go back. I'm not so sure. The days of wondering what you could have been, missing the family that is a roller derby league and being part of something that you love. It may be harder to walk away from derby than to strap skates back on.
I arrived 40 minutes early. My knees were shaking, I had to pee and I thought I might throw up. Weird because I'd been skating a few times already. I knew I could skate. But this wasn't just skating this was standing up and shouting from the roof tops, "I'm BACK!" This was about committing to do it.
If the world ends in 348 days I want to know that I did what I could, when I could. I tried my best and didn't hide when things were scary. Courage is the thing you get after you do the thing that scares you.
I didn't participate in the regular training. I'm not confident enough for falls, contact and transition moves yet. I skated on the neighbouring court and did my own work. I hit several milestones, skating on one leg, cross overs, turns & blisters. I found myself getting more stable with each lap. Muscle memory is a real thing.
The best part of the night was that I walked in and no one looked at me with that sad, "Oh you're the girl that got hurt" look. I have moved into the "You're the girl that came back" look and it's much happier. While I skated I looked around the room I could see the others were watching me. I could see the smiles. I could see that they were genuinely pleased to have me back. A few girls came over to skate beside me. There are a few of us coming back from injuries we talked the philosophy of injury and how awesome it is to be a woman. It is awesome. The women I have met through roller derby never stop amazing me. It is a beautiful thing to have the support, genuine loving support from a group of women. Skating is just transportation but roller derby is a world of wonder, love and power.
How the heck could I have walked away from that?
Me in the last bout I played in more than a year ago.
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