She said yes.

When I was 4 years old I told my mom that I had "magic eyes" because I could see two of her.  A few days later she told me that I was going to see a special doctor and that I would be getting glasses.  That would have been about 1980. I saw that same doctor, Dr. Van Patten until I was in high school.  When he passed away and his daughter took over the practice and then I saw her.  

Me and my first pair of glasses

When I was about 12 years old I asked Dr. Van Patten how bad my eyes were and he said that I had the vision of someone in their late 60's.  I have always been terribly far sighted, I have an eye that turns in and a severe astigmatism.  Doc gave me exercises to do to strengthen my eyes and every night I'd sit on the edge of my bed and do my eye stretches before I went to bed. I still do them today, they feel good.  The day I came home with my first pair of glasses my older sister called me four-eyes and was promptly sent to her room.  School was a lot like that first night.  My glasses magnify my eyes so they appear quite large.  "My what big eyes you have" was a constant taunt. 

When I was 6 years old my mother asked about this new thing she saw on TV, soft contact lenses.  The doctor told her it was out of the question, I was too young.  The youngest they had tried was 13 and he put them on his dog! It was too much responsibility for a child.  Mom stood her ground and assured him that I wasn't like other kids.  She really went to bat for me and her persistence paid off.  He agreed to try.  


I remember that it took weeks and weeks to get the contacts in.  They had to make special ones for me.  One of the nurses taught me how to wash my hands and get all the oils off my fingers, to be gentle cleaning the lenses and then we practiced putting them in.  My mom bought me a special magnified mirror with a gold frame to put on my little tea party table so I could see to put on my contacts.  I was too small to reach the bathroom mirror to do it there.  

At one point they had me teach adults how to care for their contact lenses because they had trouble getting through to them.  One lady used to put vaseline on her hands and then put in her lenses.  I showed her how I washed my hands and we sat across from each other while I demonstrated pulling down my eye lid to make room for the lenses.  She was very irresponsible. I was not irresponsible, in 30 years I have never torn or lost a contact lens.  


Each year I would get my eyes checked and mom and I would fight over which glasses I would get.  If I wanted bright green plastic frames mom would argued, "what will happen when you want to wear a pink sweater?" She always won.   

So many people wear glasses that it's pretty common and you understand what it means to pick out glasses.  You want the right shape for your face, the right size and colour.  They should be fashionable and comfortable.  You may try on 50 pairs before you find the right ones.  Imagine that you stare at the big display of glasses and they tell you that of the 100 or so on display "these four will fit your prescription".  Four.  You get to choose from four.  When coloured contact lenses came out I was so excited, I'd be so fancy! When I asked about them the nurse snorted, "not in your prescription." When they came out with bendable frames, or frameless glasses same thing, not in my prescription.  I was lucky to have glasses why did I need to get picky?

When I was in high school in the 90's my parent's friends started having radial keratotomy eye surgery.  My boyfriends mom had it and we got to watch it on video! I was amazed, they took a tiny little circular blade and made a few incisions on her eye.  It took 5 minutes and the next day she could see without glasses. I was sold, I wanted eye surgery.  I went to see the new, younger and female Dr. Van Patten and she laughed at me.  "They don't do surgery for your eyes." Then she informed me that it would be years before technology caught up with my eyes.  She was right.  It was 19 years to be exact.  38 pairs of glasses, 200 pairs of contact lenses, 4 doctors and 19 years later I am getting my eye surgery.  


I was so used to hearing no. No, you can't have coloured lenses, no you can't have fun frames, no, no, no.  When the surgeon said yes I cried.  Actually she just started talking about how she was going to make this surgery work for my eyes and I just stopped her, "Wait, you're saying yes? Yes, you can do it?" she smiled, "Absolutely. Yes."  I felt a tear slide down my cheek.  Yes.  She said yes.  Just like that, yes.  Yes, I can give you eye sight.  Like she was offering to knit me a scarf or wash my car.  Sure honey, you want fries with that vision? 


They scheduled me and I got the pre-surgery talk.  Will and I walked out to the parking lot to go home.  He just kept saying "How about that?" I was still shocked.  I choked, "I can't believe she said yes" and then burst into tears. I'm crying now as I type it.  She said yes. 


As we rode home I remembered all those stories about being a kid in glasses but then I thought about what was coming.  What will it be like to not be afraid to walk down stairs? I have really poor depth perception so I can't tell how far away things are.  Steps might look like a flat surface to me or smaller than they really are.  What if I could catch a ball?  My whole life I've been hit in the face with baseballs, softballs, tennis balls, soccer balls. I can't see them coming.  What if I could walk down the street and not be afraid because I can't tell the difference between sticks and snakes?  And what about those silly posters and books that were so popular a few years ago?  The ones with the 3D picture that "popped" out of another picture.  You stare and it and the hidden picture sort of appears. I have never been able to see one of those, what if I could see the hidden picture?  


I'm having surgery in 4 days.  They told me to be sure to bring my old glasses to donate. Someone else will get to use my glasses because I will be able to see without them.  I'm going to buy a new pair of sun glasses that don't have to be altered before I can wear them.  I'm going to be able to see my teammates when I skate and I'm going to be able to ride my motorcycle fast.  I will be able to wear eye liner on my lower lid and won't have to minimize my makeup because my glasses magnify everything.  I will be able to see the clock when I wake up in the middle of the night.  I hear that after surgery you can see the individual leaves on a tree. Each leaf! How good would that be?  


I'm gonna see leaves.  

Quick & Dirty

Today a friend started to look into the "end of the world" phenomenon and, as many people do, she started to freak out a little bit.  So little time and so much to do.  Even if the world doesn't start to self destruct there are floods, power outages, storms and other accidents.  So tonight I will give you a quick and dirty survival tip. 

You know the old saying a human can live 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water and 3 weeks without food?  For some reason food is the first thing people think of when it comes to survival planning.   If you're in the wilderness you need to secure shelter first and foremost so lets assume you are staying in your home.  Senario:  There is a flood and the water coming from your tap is contaminated.  What do you do?  Ideally you should boil the water.  This is a very reliable method for killing microbes and parasites.  (If the water is contaminated during a flood it's likely contaminated with sewage)  So you get your water to the stove top and bring it to a boil for ten minutes.  If you are at a high elevation you need to add a minute of boiling for every 1000 feet above sea level.  Easy enough right?  Well what do you do if the flood has taken out the power too?  Sure you Aussies head for the BBQ but if fuel is at a premium let's save it to cook all that food that's thawing in the freezer.


This is when you reach for the bottle of bleach you squirrelled away after reading this blog.  Bleach is cheap.  On your next shopping trip get a generic bottle for around $1.20.  Then print these instructions and tape them to the bottle.  Don't store it in the laundry or it will get used.  In the US during a big emergency they hand out bottles of bleach with these instructions.  

Liquid Bleach First let water stand until particles settle. Pour the clear water into an uncontaminated container and add liquid  Bleach per the chart.* Mix well. Wait 30 min. Water should have a slight bleach odor. If not, repeat dose.  Wait 15 min. Sniff again. Keep an eyedropper taped to your emergency bottle of Bleach, since purifying small amounts of water requires only a few drops. See chart* suggestions for storage bottle replacement. Don't pour purified water into contaminated containers.  Without water and electricity, even everyday tasks are tough. In lieu of steaming hot water, sanitize dishes with a little Bleach. Just follow the directions below to keep dishes clean. Whether you use bleach in an emergency or for everyday chores, it's always an environmentally sound choice. After its work is done,  Bleach breaks down to little more than salt and water, which is good news anytime.  *Ratio of Bleach to Water for Purification 2 drops of liquid Bleach per quart of water 8 drops of liquid Bleach per gallon of water 1/2 teaspoon liquid Bleach per five gallons of water If water is cloudy, double the recommended dosages of liquid Bleach. Only use Regular Bleach (not Scented). To insure that Bleach is at its full strength, replace your storage bottle every three months.)  **(Bleach Sanitizing Solution)  Mix 1 tablespoon liquid Bleach with 2 litres of water. Always wash and rinse items first, then let each item soak in Bleach Sanitising Solution for 2 minutes. Drain and air dry. I hope this helps you when you need it most.  Be prepared!

Identity Crisis

If I die in 304 days how will I be remembered?

I have been struggling with an identity crisis.  The last year saw monumental changes in my life.  For 11 years I've worked in the motorcycle industry and consider myself "the Harley chick".  If you want to know anything about a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle I am your girl.  But last year we sold our dealership and I haven't seen the backside of a parts counter in 10 months.  One month after I left the shop I broke my leg playing roller derby.  Roller derby girl, my other identity.  For 3 months I sat on my couch and took on a new temporary identity, broken derby girl.  I joined the forums, read about my injury and planned my return to the sport.

My return came 9 months after injury but, despite my plan for derby domination, it was harder than I thought.  You couldn't have prepared me for how easy it was to skate again, physically.  But, likewise, the mental barrier to engage in the sport is harder than I was prepared for.  For the last month I have been some times going to training, skating on my own and telling myself that it was a process.  Not surprisingly I didn't enjoy it.

Skating around in circles, by yourself, scared, is not roller derby.  It's lonely and boring.  I was ready to quit.  I told myself lies. It's was ok, I put in my time.  It's harder to come back from an injury at 35 than 25.  If you don't have the fighting spirit now you never will.

Pre-practice yesterday I went to my husband for a pep talk.  "I don't want to go to practice. I think I'm done."  He said that didn't sound like "the girl he knows" and while he would support my decision, he didn't want me to walk away because I was afraid.  If I didn't want to, it was one thing, but to cower and run with my tail between my legs wasn't my style.  We had a long talk and I finally cried, "Without the shop and without derby, who am I?"  I think that is what Oprah calls the ah ha moment.  For three years I've been involved in the sport.  My friends, clothes, community and life is wrapped up in derby.  It's who I am. Or is it?

Who am I?  Am I the Harley girl?  Am I Squeaks bye the derby girl?  These characters are so well developed they even have their own costumes.
Black t-shirt, jeans and boots = Harley girl.
Spandex with underpants on the outside, skates = derby girl.
Do these characters represent the diversity of my spirit or am I just playing dress up?  The short answer is, I don't know.  I'm not sure what the criteria is for identifying your true self.  A sort of litmus test of the soul.

I went to practice.  He's right, I don't quit because I'm scared.  I got involved with the group practice.  We lined up, our trainer shouted, "three point transitions!" My heart sank.  That was the simple manoeuvre I was doing when I broke my leg. Three point transitions are my kryptonite.  Telling myself that I could do it I went to the line, I was wrong.  I couldn't do it.  I thought I might burst into tears but I just lined up again. Then we were on to track carving, I can do that, it's awkward and I certainly carve right better than left but I made it through.  Before I knew it I was in a pace line weaving between other skaters.  It was great but as soon as I got to the front of the line I had to stop.  The adrenaline was so intense that my knees were shaking and I could hardly hold myself up.  I sat out the rest of that drill.  When they went into blocking drills I stayed on the side lines and practiced 3 point transitions.  Oh yes I did!  My derby wife, Dislo-Kate, said watching me do it made her stomach turn and she wanted to throw up.  Katie was a great support during my injury. She was the one who rode with me in the ambulance, talked to me everyday and came over often to keep me in the loop.   Knowing that it scared her too made me feel that much more proud for doing it.

So perhaps this is my epiphany.  My identity, at the core, is what allows me to play these characters.  I am brave and autonomous.  I possess the skills to overcome fear and to know when to ask for help.  That is who I am. Who I am allows me to face men who doubt the ability of a girl with a wrench.  I can face a wall of scary bitches on skates and when I fall down I get back up.  I get back up.

I GET BACK UP.

Zombie Apocalypse

I could have been a boyscout.  I am always prepared.  On our recent trip around Australia we were headed through outback NSW and nearly ran out of fuel. (Just quietly, this is totally my husbands fault.)  In my whole life I have never run out of petrol and this was as close as you could get without actually having to walk.   We rolled into Cobar on fumes and puckered butt holes. Running out of fuel is not something that happens to me because I AM THE WOMAN WITH A PLAN.  As we rode through the outback all I could think was, "I'm not prepared for this! No combination of the items that I have carefully packed will allow us to get out of this."  Plans are how I make sense of the chaos that is my life. They give me a feeling of control and I like how that feels.

My Australian friends laugh at me because I have an emergency bag packed and sitting by the front door.  It's called a BOB (Bug Out Bag) or GOOD (Get Out Of Dodge) bag.  They are the single item that you grab if the sh*it hits the fan and you have to go NOW!  A concept that makes perfect sense to me but has many of my Aussies laughing at me and calling it my Zombie Apocalypse Bag.  I have put a lot of thought, time and research into my bag.  One of my favourite games is "name the items that you'd put in this bag" and then I see if I have them all. (It's true I'm a geek but indulge me)

There is a movement of people called "preppers".  Basically they are prepared for a crash in society or an emergency.  They decide to prepare for different reasons.  Some believe that the economy is going to crash and society with it, some believe a world war is coming, others have religious reasons.   I think, why wouldn't you prepare?  There are 10,000 things that can go wrong at any time.  This week we've had flash floods in our area. As friends wrote on facebook about being stranded in their cars I re-checked the compact BOB in my Jeep.

If you are ever in an emergency you better hope you're with me.  My brain works best during an emergency.  My thoughts are clear, crisp and rapid.  I think that part of this is because I've already gone through so many emergencys in my head, worked out a plan, a back up plan and a contingency to that.   Even in non-apocalyptic life I am prepared.  I don't run out of things.  Soap, toothpaste, toiletpaper, dog food or coffee I buy it before I run out.  Why wouldn't you?  You know you'll use it up eventually right?

I make survival bracelets.  They are 550 paracord that is weaved into an attractive bracelet with a robust buckle.  They quickly unravel to give you access to 6-9 feet of paracord.  I won't go into the 100's of possible uses but I wear mine all the time.  I have weaved keychains too, just in case.  I've made many and given them to friends.  They are kind and accept them as a novelty but I know that one day it could save their life OR it could replace a broken shoe lace which would be really inconvenient.

So this week as the weather freaks out, roads are washed away and towns like Lightening Ridge were preparing to be water locked for weeks just do me a favor and check the batteries in your flashlight/torch.   Next time you do the shopping buy a few extra cans of baked beans and put them in the back of the cupboard.  Please.  It makes me feel better.  

Leave me a comment below and let me know you something OR you could ask me if the item that you're thinking of is in my bag.

Road thoughts

I just returned from my tour of south east Australia.  My husband and I took a motorcycle 3,200 miles/6,000 kms in 16 days. It was BRILLIANT! What a wonderful adventure.  We saw desert, beach, rain forests and rivers.  We met up with some good friends, made new friends and met some nice dogs along the way.  One of the things I love most about riding is that you get into your own head and travel there as much as you travel along the highway.  So over then next few blogs I will share some of the things that popped into my head on the road.

This is my new pal Mo. 

Where our trip took us! 

See it all

Surely you have a bucket list.  Hidden in your fb notes, tucked away in your underwear drawer or on the back page of your journal.  And I bet at least one of the items on your list involves travel. Probably somewhere exotic, Paris, Tahiti, Hawaii maybe Russia.  Are you actively working toward getting there?


I've been really fortunate in my life that I've had the opportunity to travel a lot.  I'm originally from the US but I've lived in Australia for the last 7 years.  I started to travel when I was in high school. My parents sent me to Europe the summer before my senior year.  England, France, Switzerland, Italy, Austria and Germany.  It was a whirlwind tour.  Also it was amazing and opened the eyes of this small town girl.  I have also been to Mexico, Canada, 38 US states (including Alaska & Hawaii) and of course Australia.  A layover at the airport doesn't count.  


Last summer my husband and I got on a Harley-Davidson Roadking and went along old Route 66 from Las Vegas to Illinois.  We continued to Milwaukee, then across to Sturgis South Dakota, through Yellowstone National Park (The best!) and  through Idaho back to Nevada.  It was brilliant, 5500 miles/8,800 km in total.  We called it the Miles and Memories trip.  As Australians we get several weeks of paid holiday each year.  Something that seemed very strange to us as Americans.  We have quickly learned to enjoy it.  However it seems that each year we go back to the US for our holiday.  We have an annual business event that we attend there and then we see family so we plan our fun time around that.  So here I am living in one of the most beautiful, diverse and vast continents on the planet and I've seen very little of it. 


The time has come to see Australia.  I wouldn't want to go in 344 days without having been to the outback would I?   So tomorrow we leave.  We are packing up our Streetglide and heading west.  We have one schedule event that we need to attend to and the rest will be random.  Heading to South Australia and Victoria.  We will be in tiny little towns in the middle of no where and then on to the beautiful city of Melbourne to return home up the Great Ocean Road.  I don't have a name for this journey I'm sure it will come to me on the road.  


So I guess the point of this post is, why do you have to go so far for it to be considered travel?  Have you ever been to a local hotel and had a look at all those cards in the lobby?  You know the ones that feature all the local events, sites and landmarks?  Well, have you seen all of them?  


In his Instructions for Life the Dalai Lama says, "Once a year, go someplace you've never been before." it doesn't have to be far.  Pack up the family and go to the next town for the strawberry jam festival or go to the top of the tallest building in your city.  Be a tourist in your own neighbourhood and remember why it's a great place to live.  Take a different street, eat somewhere random, walk into a shop with an interesting window display you never know what adventure will be started with that one step.




I leave you with one of my favourite things:

The Dalai Lama's Instructions for Life 

• Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
• When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
• Follow the three R's:
  - Respect for self.
  - Respect for others.
  - Responsibility for all of your actions.
• Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
• Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
• Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
• When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
• Spend some time alone every day.
• Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
• A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
• In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
• Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
• Be gentle with the earth.
• Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
• Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
• Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
• Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Live like there is no tomorrow.  

Day 7

If the world ends in 348 days would I wish I'd gone back to derby? Would I have been grateful if didn't and was cautious? Perhaps without further injury? 

I find that screaming rap lyrics at the top of my voice is the best cure for a case of the nerves. So I was driving down the highway and Eminem is reminding me "this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime, yo"  Last night, with medical clearance in hand, was my triumphant return to roller derby.  Triumphant because I actually went back.

It was 3 days short of 9 months off.  4 days in hospital, 12 weeks in plaster, 6 weeks in a walking cast, walking stick for a few more. It adds up.  Funny thing about laying on a couch with a broken leg, you get a lot of time to think.  I have been through all of the emotions. Why me? I deserve this. I'm too old for this shit. I'm too young for this shit. I can't go back. I MUST go back.  What if? OMG I must have worn out my thinker.  It's weird because all your body needs to heal is time.  But the damage to your psyche is more complex.  No pills, no surgery, no amount of time is guaranteed to work.  Some people may think it is easier to just not go back. I'm not so sure.  The days of wondering what you could have been, missing the family that is a roller derby league and being part of something that you love.  It may be harder to walk away from derby than to strap skates back on.

I arrived 40 minutes early.  My knees were shaking, I had to pee and I thought I might throw up. Weird because I'd been skating a few times already. I knew I could skate. But this wasn't just skating this was standing up and shouting from the roof tops, "I'm BACK!" This was about committing to do it.

If the world ends in 348 days I want to know that I did what I could, when I could. I tried my best and didn't hide when things were scary.  Courage is the thing you get after you do the thing that scares you.

I didn't participate in the regular training. I'm not confident enough for falls, contact and transition moves yet.  I skated on the neighbouring court and did my own work.  I hit several milestones, skating on one leg, cross overs, turns & blisters.  I found myself getting more stable with each lap.  Muscle memory is a real thing.

The best part of the night was that I walked in and no one looked at me with that sad, "Oh you're the girl that got hurt" look.  I have moved into the "You're the girl that came back" look and it's much happier.   While I skated I looked around the room I could see the others were watching me. I could see the smiles. I could see that they were genuinely pleased to have me back.  A few girls came over to skate beside me.  There are a few of us coming back from injuries we talked the philosophy of injury and how awesome it is to be a woman.  It is awesome.  The women I have met through roller derby never stop amazing me.  It is a beautiful thing to have the support, genuine loving support from a group of women.  Skating is just transportation but roller derby is a world of wonder, love and power.

How the heck could I have walked away from that?

Me in the last bout I played in more than a year ago.